


Running From Myself No More

by mattzerella_sticks



Series: Season 13 Inspired [4]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Coda to 13x06, Coda to Tombstone, Confessions, Cuddling, Domestic Fluff, Emotions, Feelings, M/M, Sam confronts Dean, Was supposed to be fluffy but took a wrong turn to feelstown, Watching Movies, Worried Parents, angst & feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-22
Updated: 2017-11-22
Packaged: 2019-02-05 07:22:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12789630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mattzerella_sticks/pseuds/mattzerella_sticks
Summary: Coda to 13x06 "Tombstone"After Jack left, the high the Winchesters and Cas felt has fallen low. Cas feels like he's failed once again... and Dean hates when that happens. He tries to distract him, to keep Cas's mind away from those dark thoughts. But instead they stumble upon something that Dean's been trying to avoid for awhile. But after everything they've been through... Dean's tired. He can't avoid it any more.





	Running From Myself No More

**Author's Note:**

> Hey y'all! I tried to get this done after the episode but the weekend was hectic and like in the notes I pictured this being short and fluffy but I just let the angst creep itself in and catharses happened all over the place!
> 
> Hope you like it!

            Cas is sitting, hands folded and blue eyes downcast. They dart to the left ever so often, staring at the space where Jack once was. He’s mumbling, ever so softly, and Dean can barely see the prayers leave his lips from his perch under the archway. Dean has been lounging against the column for at least half an hour, and neither he nor Cas has moved an inch.

            “You should go talk to him.”

            Dean startles, nearly slipping off the marble. He cranes his neck to the side to find Sam, his laptop cradled in the crook of his arm. He’s frowning, and there’s a cup of coffee in his other hand.

            “No,” Dean says lowly, scratching his neck, “I’m not… I don’t know what to say.”

            “It doesn’t matter,” Sam says, “He needs you.”

            “You’re better at all this-“

            “Dean,” Sam cuts him off, “he needs _you_.”

            Dean can’t meet Sam’s gaze. Instead, he turns to look back at Cas, still frozen in quiet contemplation. He sighs, and pulls himself forward. He swaggers slowly towards Cas until finally he lays a hand on the angel’s shoulder. Cas doesn’t react.

            “Cas,” Dean starts, “You can’t beat yourself up about this.”

            He still doesn’t respond. Dean sighs and leans closer, squeezing Cas’s shoulder and bringing his other hand to rest on Cas’s hands.

            “Jack is… he’s just…” He trails off. Cas is watching him, waiting for him to finish. “He’s… I can’t do this.” He looks into Cas’s eyes, “Not here.”

            Dean breaks Cas’s hands apart, taking one into his hand and pulling his ragdoll body up.  

            “Dean…”

            “Cas, come on,” Dean tugs, pulling him out of the war room and down the long hallway. Cas shuffles behind, frowning. He’s led to Dean’s room, where the hunter pulls him in and closes the door.

            “Dean,” Cas repeats, standing in front of the door as Dean paces the room, “I don’t see how this will make me feel –“

            “Cas,” he says, “Jack… he needs his space. To work things out on his own because here… when you weren’t… things were said. Things that might have… done a lot more damage than it should have. Mistakes were made – on all sides – and he needs to blow off steam –“

            “Dean,” Cas stops him, his hand on Dean’s arm, “You don’t have to do this.”

            “C’mon Cas-“

            “Dean,” his voice is firmer now, and he’s squeezing Dean’s bicep, “No matter what you say… it doesn’t change the fact that this is my fault.”

            “But it’s not!” Dean argues, “You didn’t tell him he was a freak – a _monster_! That was…” he trails off, looking away in shame, “…that was all me.”

            “You only did that in anger – in grief,” Cas continues, “…because of _me_.”

            “No, Cas –“

            “You took it out on Jack,” Cas continues, “Sam… told me some of the things you said. When I was gone.” Dean can’t meet Cas’s eyes. “But it isn’t just that. Jack… he did what he did to try and… _impress_ me. He didn’t have full control of his powers – I haven’t been teaching him. Haven’t been _protecting_ him.”

            “Cas that’s not your job –“

            “I made a promise –“

            “And _we_ kept it for you!” Dean shouts, snapping up to meet Cas’s pitiful stare with a fierce glare of his own, “We… _Sam_ … looked out for that kid even though we had more than enough reason to just finish him off like we would with any other case.”

            Cas finally reacts. He gasps, taking a half a step back. Wide, blue eyes stare back at Dean.

            “Trust me, Cas,” Dean continues, “you don’t know how much I…” Dean swallows around the lump in his throat. He can’t finish that sentence. He lets the weight burdened onto his shoulders finally drop, and he feels his body loosen. “He looked like you… and I couldn’t stand it. Couldn’t stand being near him.”

            “Dean,” Cas sighs, “you know I don’t blame you for any of this, right?”

            “Better you than me,” Dean chuckles meekly, rubbing a palm across his left eye, “At least I deserve it.”

            “While your coping mechanisms weren’t the… _best_ ,” Cas inches closer, “You didn’t fail Jack. _I_ was supposed to be there for him. He’s been alive for such a short time and he’s filled with fear – of himself… of his powers. If I was there from the beginning none of this ever would have happened.”

            “Life,” Dean says, “throws a heck of a curve ball.”

            They stare at each other, letting nothing but the sound of the Bunker’s heating system clunk along for a long time.

            “So,” Cas starts, “what should we do?”

            “We’ll find him,” Dean says, “We will.”

            “I meant now, Dean,” Cas says, “What do we do _now_?”

            “You want the truth?”

            “Please.”

            “We can’t do a damn thing.”

            “Dean –“

            “He’s _scared_ ,” Dean continues, “He doesn’t want to be found. Sam’s already started looking up spells but… I don’t think any witch knew that Satan’s baby would ever go AWOL – or be a thing. We just gotta… hope that until we find him nothing happens.”

            “But there’s so much that could happen, Dean,” Cas says, “Everyone is after him.”

            “No one said parenting was easy.”

            Cas doesn’t like that answer. He steps back again and collapses onto Dean’s door. He looks towards heavenward and lets out a deep breath before he starts whispering like before. Dean feels something gnawing at his stomach – seeing how his angel is starting to unravel before him. Dean searches his room for anything – anything that could help in any way – until his eyes land upon his laptop sitting on his desk.

            “You asked what _we_ could do, right now,” Dean starts, picking up the laptop and heading back to Cas, “I think I know.” He pushes it up against Cas’s chest, nodding at him to take it. He does, staring at Dean’s laptop in confusion.

            “What… what should I look for?”

            “Movies,” Dean smiles weakly, “your choice.”

            “Dean,” Cas sighs, shaking his head. He pushes the laptop back towards Dean, “This isn’t the best time –“

            “You can’t focus,” Dean cuts him off, blocking Cas’s attempts to return the device, “You’re worried, scared, and tired. Your mind won’t be thinking clearly… and sitting here mumbling to yourself like a mental patient ain’t gonna do a damned thing either.”

            “I was _praying_ ,” Cas pouts, indignantly.

            “I know,” Dean says, giving Cas a soft look, “but you need to take a step back and let your prayers do their work. If you keep Chuck on the receiver he won’t be able to do anything.”

            “I wasn’t praying to Chuck,” Cas says, looking away, “I was praying to Jack.”

            “Right,” Dean says, shaking his head, “Of course. Not like Chuck to do anything… Still, kids _hate_ it when their parents are constantly nagging them. Like I said before, we need to give Jack his space.”

            Cas is mulling it over. He’s pursing his lips, tapping his fingers across the laptop in a smooth motion that has Dean studying each and ever finger. The spell is broken by Cas’s final sigh of defeat.

            “Okay,” Cas says, “It’s not like I pick the movie often.”

            Dean’s smile brightens, and he claps Cas on the shoulder. “Great!” he says, “You know my Netflix password – you get set up while I go and get some popcorn.” Dean opens the door and is halfway out until Cas calls for him to stop.

            “Thank you,” Cas says, the laptop dangling in his hands, “For being here.” He’s smiling in a soft way; one that Dean’s only ever seen when it’s just them.

            An orchestra swells inside Dean’s heart, and he can’t help the blush that follows. Dean looks away, mumbling, “Anytime” and continues towards the kitchen.

            He wasn’t the only one. Sam has set up in there, three books and his laptop surrounding him at the table. He takes a look at Dean before continuing his research.

            “So,” he says, “I take it Cas isn’t sulking anymore?”

            “What makes you say that?”

            “Well your smile, for one.”

            Dean’s grin dims, falling into a pout. “What,” he scoffs, “Can’t I be happy without there being an interrogation.”

            “You can,” Sam shrugs, “but given what’s happened recently I think answers are deserved.”

            Dean bristles, an icy chill running down his spine in suspicion. He scoffs and turns towards the cupboards, grabbing for a bowl and a bag of popcorn.

            “What are you getting?”

            “Popcorn.”

            “You gonna watch a movie?”

            “Yeah.”

            “…With _Cas_?”

            Dean stops, nearly crushing the bag. He turns to Sam, who’s still looking at the computer. After a long beat of silence, Sam finally looks up to see Dean glaring at him.

            “What?”

            “Why’d you say it like that?”

            “Say what?”

            “’With Cas’,” Dean repeats, mockingly, “You said it… weird.”

            “Why was it weird?”

            “Like you meant something more.”

            “I don’t know Dean,” Sam smirks, crossing his arms, “ _Is_ there something more?”

            Dean scowls, turning back to his popcorn. “Shouldn’t you be trying to find Jack?”

            “It’s called multi-tasking.”

            “Well try focusing on the one, if you could?”

            “What’s going on between you and Cas?”

            Popcorn gets thrown across the counter. Dean jumps like he’s been burned – scorched by the questioning gaze Sam is hitting him with. He puts the bag down and braces himself on the counter, taking a sharp inhale.

            “What… what are you talking about?”

            Sam scoffs and shoves the chair back, scraping it against the floor. “You know exactly what I’m talking about, Dean,” he says, moving towards him, “You’ve been acting like a _bastard_ ever since Jack was born and the second Cas is back in our lives you do a complete one-eighty with your personality.”

            “I don’t know what you mean –“

            “Cut the bull, Dean,” Sam growls, “I’ve been letting you stew for awhile. You were grieving – I get that. I tried not to push you, let you come to me when you were ready. And you did… but you were always holding back –”

            “And now I’m over it! I’m happy!” Dean fires back, “Shouldn’t you be happy?”

            “You don’t get to just… _skip_ over all this healing. To… to pass Go, collect $200 and a clean slate!” Sam continues, “There’s more to this that you aren’t admitting to me… or to yourself.”

            Dean’s jaw tightens. He meets Sam’s challenging stare with one of his own, not backing away.

            “If you don’t want to tell me I can always tell you what _I_ think,” Sam says, scoffing, “I’ve had a lot of time to do that since you were spending nearly every night alone in your room with at least six cans of beer and half a bottle of Jack Daniels.”

            “You missed Cas. But you missed him more than I did. Seeing Cas die _hurt_ you differently in a way I couldn’t understand. I was so busy focusing on mom I thought you were too until your outburst. Then it all started to make sense… every little piece fell into place. I understood why Cas’s death hurt you more than it did me. Because you were in –“

            “Why do you even care, Sammy, huh?” Dean cuts him off, blushing, “What’s any of this got to do with you?”

            “I’m just… I’m… tired, Dean,” Sam admits, rubbing at his jaw. His shoulders sag and he starts to collapse into himself. “Tired of being sad… tired of all the losing and all the lies. You have a chance to be happy _again_ and you’re doing nothing about it. Every time I think I might have found something or some _one_ that makes me happy it all gets ripped away but Cas… Cas just keeps coming back to _you_.”

            Dean doesn’t have a response. He feels hollow, Sam’s truth dripping into him like molasses.

            “There’s not much we get to be happy about in our lives,” Sam continues, “tonight was a clear example. I just want you to stop being _scared_ to be happy. To stop… _running away_.”

            Sam sighs and turns back to the table. He retakes his seat and goes back to his laptop. It’s awhile before Dean responds.

            “I… want to be happy,” Dean says, sounding the words out like they’re foreign to his mouth. “I do but…”

            “But what?”

            “I don’t want to lose him,” Dean admits, “He comes back… but he leaves just as fast. It’s a revolving door that’s _killing_ me and I… I don’t want to ruin what we already have.”

            “Dean,” Sam starts, “you need to have some faith. Cas… he’s _your_ win. You should start acting like it.”

            Sam doesn’t say anymore. He returns to his research, and leaves Dean to his thoughts. Dean sighs, and grabs the bowl of popcorn. He also grabs two bottles of beers and nudges Sam with his elbow as goodnight.

            “Don’t stay up too late.”

            “I won’t if you won’t.”

            It doesn’t take long for Dean to walk back to his room. But it was a long time between that and when he left. And in that time, Cas had made himself comfortable. He’s swung his trench and suit coat over Dean’s desk chair, and his shoes are off to the corner. His tie is loosened, and he’s lounging on Dean’s bed scrolling through Dean’s laptop.

            ‘ _Like he belongs.’_

            Dean shakes his head, and closes the door – alerting Cas to his presence.

            “You’re back,” Cas states.

            “Yeah.”

            “I was afraid you’d gotten lost.”

            “…Something like that.”

            “Popcorn?”

            Dean hands Cas the bowl, toeing off his own boots before climbing in next to him. He passes Cas a bottle and takes a long swig out of his own.

            “So,” Dean says, “what are we watching?”

            “I figured we’d stick with the Western genre-“

            “Ha!” Dean laughs, before shoving a handful of popcorn into his face, “Knew I’d make a convert out of you yet!”

            “Don’t speak with your mouth full, you’ll choke,” Cas laughs, rolling his eyes, “Anyway… I always saw this in the rotation but you’ve never played it.”

            “What is it?”

            Cas switches to the Netflix tab and Dean sees the words and his heart stops.

            “Cas…Cas,” he says, laughing nervously, “there’s got to be another movie… right?”

            “But I want to watch this one,” Cas pouts, “Besides, you said the movie was my choice, remember?”

            “Yeah… yeah I did.”

            “Good, then settle in.” Cas hits play, and Brokeback Mountain starts to unfold on the screen.

            Dean tries to pay attention to the movie, but there was a reason he always skipped _this_ movie. Because it makes Dean notice things – things like how small the space between he and Cas is. The angel is practically pressed up against him, and Dean can feel the slight bounce of Cas’s leg or the softness of his dress shirt. How he can make out Cas’s eyes, watching with intent and interest, through the filmy reflection on Dean’s laptop screen. How he takes popcorn one by one instead of grabbing a handful. How his lips…

            Dean clears his throat, shifting just the slightest and accidentally pressing himself into Cas more.

            Cas looks over, smiling at Dean.

            “Enjoying the movie so far?”

            “…Yeah.”

            He looks back at the screen to keep face, trying to focus on Gyllenhaal and Ledger, but time and time again his eyes and his thoughts keep drifting back to Cas. How thankful he is that they can just… exist. Even if everything around them is falling apart, that they can find some time to do normal things. Together.

            “I wonder…”

            “Hmm?”

            “How do you think Ennis would react if Jack came back to him,” Cas asks, looking at Dean, “If he came back to life?”

            “I uh… I…” Dean can’t answer.

            Cas doesn’t expect him to.

            “Was this what it was like?” he continues, piercing right through Dean with his gaze, “When you burned me? How you felt after?”

            “Cas, I…” Dean licks his lips and looks away, “There was nothing but ashes… I couldn’t even keep _your_ jacket this time without being reminded how… how much I…”

            “Dean I’m sorry,” Cas says, shaking his head, “I didn’t mean –“

            “No, no,” Dean stops him, “Let me…”

            Dean looks at him. Cas’s blue eyes are searching, and his mouth is half-open, ready to change the topic. His fingers hover over the spacebar, the movie paused for now. Dean focuses on them.

            He grabs them, pulling Cas’s hand forward. He takes his own fingers and curls them over Cas’s palm, threading them between each of his fingers. Cas lets out a small, choked sound.

            “When I saw Lucifer… when Lucifer _killed_ you… part of me died with you,” Dean whispers, “there was a hole _here_ ,” he pokes at his chest, “that I couldn’t fill with cheap booze or… cheaper women. I tried to tell myself that it would just… go away. That I’ve lost people before and… things will look brighter again. Well, it didn’t. It only got bleaker. Because every day you weren’t alive was another day I didn’t want to be. I was… lashing out: at Sammy… at Jack… at anyone. I didn’t care about anything, I just wanted the hurt to… to stop.”

            “Dean!”

            “But it wasn’t. Because there was… so much left unfinished… between us. I didn’t realize how much you meant to me until you were gone – _really_ gone. When it was too late,” Dean sighs, squeezing Cas’s hand, “But then you did the impossible. You came back. And I… there were so many things I wanted to do… that I wanted to say. But I didn’t. Because even though you are always coming back to me, I was scared. I’m still scared.”

            Dean licks his lips and looks back down at their joined hands. He then takes a leap of courage. He slowly starts to lean into Cas, letting his head rest on Cas’s shoulder. He sighs, releasing his pent-up anxiety and frustration.

            “Dean…” Cas says, smiling down at him softly, “there was… much I wanted to say to you as well – at our reunion. You weren’t the only one who left that alleyway feeling regret. When I woke up I only had two thoughts: I had to get back to you and Sam…”

            “What was the second one?”

            “I had to come back for _you_.”

            “I’ve been going through a lot as well… through things that were building even before my most recent death. I’ve been feeling… lost. It was like everything I tried to do – to help – was just met with pain and failure. My mind was… filled with thoughts even now I wish I couldn’t remember. Soldier, angel, protector, friend – words I used to describe myself felt foreign to me. Even now I feel like the ground under me is crumbling with Jack… But there was always somewhere I knew I belonged. That made me feel… _good_ about myself. Like I could be the person I wanted to be. And that place was by your side.”

            “I’m not sure how long we have, Dean,” Cas says, chuckling, “I think we’ve both toyed with _fate_ far too much. Things are going to only get crazier, chasing after Jack before something bad happens. I want to be by your side through it all, because that’s the only way we’re going to make it.”

            Dean only squeezes Cas’s hand in response, and fight back the blush when he feels a feather-soft touch to the crown of his head. Cas threads his free hand through Dean’s hair and hums softly to himself.

            “Y’know, Cas,” Dean sighs, “there’s nothing I’d want more than for us to just… stay like this. Forever.”

            “I wish we could, too,” Cas says, smiling, “but we’ve got to find Jack.”

            Dean sighs. “If only I hadn’t…”

            “Like you said, Dean, he’s processing,” Cas soothes, “We are going to find him, and let anyone who try to stop us think again.”

            Dean chuckles.

            “What?”

            “’S’funny,” Dean says, “Watching movies was supposed to be a distraction… but here we are talking about a lifetime of problems.”

            “Well… sometimes things can’t be avoided.”

            “Yeah,” Dean nods tiredly, “Keeps building like a volcano.”

            “Are you tired?”

            “From a lot of things,” Dean answers, “But… I _could_ watch another movie?”

            “I could as well.”

            Cas un-pauses the movie and lets it finish. He’s scrolling through the options when Dean nudges him with his shoulder.            

            “Wanna get cozy,” Dean mumbles, getting up as well. He grabs the empty popcorn bowl and puts it on the nightstand along with his half-empty bottle of beer. Dean pulls the blanket out and tucks himself in, motioning for Cas to join him. He does, placing the laptop between them as the next film starts to play. Dean returns his head to Cas’s shoulder, and Cas lets his arm hang on Dean’s shoulders.

            Dean didn’t know what Cas picked… and he didn’t really care. He wasn’t paying attention. He was focusing on Cas’s fingers splayed across his scalp. How Cas’s warmth was seeping into him, relaxing him. One second he was watching a hazy backdrop, and in the next he was unconscious. He was lost in the darkness of his mind.

            And he was safe.

* * *

            Sam woke up to a pain in his neck. There was a small puddle of drool on his laptop and a twitch in his back that wasn’t there before. But other than that, there was nothing to show for his research. Especially anything that would help them find Jack.

            He stretches and yawns and gets up, shuffling towards the coffee maker. He makes himself a cup, and then makes one for Dean, suspecting him to be waking up just as well.

            Sam comfortably makes his way to Dean’s, but pauses at the closed door. He raises a brow, and looks at the handle.

            Seeing nothing, no tie or sock, he shrugs and opens it slowly.

            He peeks in, “Hey Dean I made you…”

            Cas looks up from the laptop, smiling at Sam. Dean is still resting on his shoulder, but now his arms are wrapped around Cas, and there’s a wet spot on Cas’s shirt close to Dean’s mouth.

            “Good morning Sam,” Cas says, “Did you find anything?”

            “…No, I uh… I passed out.”

            “Ah,” Cas’s smile falls slightly, “You were not the only one.”

            “Don’t worry,” Sam says, moving forward, “I’m going to get right back to searching-“

            “Let me help-“

            “No, no, take your time,” Sam stops him, putting the cup of coffee next to the popcorn bowl, “Dean he… I haven’t seen him like this… ever.”

            “That’s a good thing I take it?”

            “It is,” Sam nods, smiling, “Did he…”

            “We talked.”

            “Ah,” Sam says, “Well then, if you got Dean to talk about feelings than I’m sure we’ll find Jack in no time.”

            “Sam,” Cas chastises, but the chuckle in his voice keeps the smile on Sam’s.

            “I’m glad you’re back,” Sam says, “Not just because you make Dean happy… but you make me happy, too. You’re a great friend.”

            “As are you,” Cas says, “And a great guardian.”

            “Not if I can’t find him.”

            “We will,” Cas assures him, “But let me help. Maybe I can’t scour books at the moment but… I do have Dean’s laptop.”

            “That you do.”

            They share a final look before Sam starts to move towards the door. He’s outside, but doesn’t continue back to the kitchen. Instead, he peeks back into Dean’s room.      

            Cas is focused on the laptop. But Dean… Dean is squirming closer to Cas, squeezing the angel and burrowing in deeper.

            “Cas?” Sam hears Dean mumble, “Wha’ was that?”

            “Nothing, Dean,” Cas shushes, kissing his forehead and smoothing down his hair, “You don’t have to get up just yet.”

            “…Okay.”

            Sam smiles and looks away. He’ll leave his brother be… for now. He has other things he has to do before his family is whole and happy again.

 

**Author's Note:**

> You feel good and cleansed?
> 
> Let me know by dropping a kudos or a comment!


End file.
